Mary Palmieri Gai, Broker

Laughter is life.  Here are some of my favorite jokes... all politically correct.

Holmes and Watson.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson look up at the sky and tell me what you see"  "I see millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Golf

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Duck

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

Soldier

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

 Skeleton

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

Campers

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”

Q. Why do elephants have wrinkled feet?

A. From tying their tennis sneakers too tight.

Q. Why do elephants wear green sneakers?

A. So they can hide in tall grass.

Q. How can you tell a mouse from an elephant?

A. A mouse doesn't wear green sneakers.

Q. Why do ducks ha\e flat feet?

A. From stamping out forest fires.

Q. Why do elephants have flat feet?

A. From stamping out flaming ducks.

Q. What did Tarzan say to the elephant wearing sunglasses?

A. Nothing. He didn't recognize him.

Q. Why do elephants trumpet?

A. They'd have a heck of a time trying to play a

piano.Q. Why are prunes black?

A. So you can tell them from elephants.

Q. What did Jane say when she saw the elephant

coming?

A. She said "Here comes a prune." (She was color

hlind.)Q. What do elephants have that no other animals

have?

A. Baby elephants.

Fishermen

Two burly guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he’s snagged an old bottle. As he’s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. “Turn the lake into beer,” he says. The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, “So what do you think?” The other guy says, “You jerk. Now we’ve got to pee in the boat.”

Duck

Three women die at the same time and they're at the pearly gates and St Peter says.. "ladies, despite what you've heard, there's only one rule here, do not step on any ducks" They give each other strange looks but sure enough, they go into heaven and there are ducks all over the place. The first woman steps on a duck almost immediately and a guard comes up to her and shakles a very  homely guy to her.. and says...this is your punishment for eternity for stepping on a duck. Same thing happens to the second lady the next day.. she steps on a duck and gets a really homely guys shackled to her. The third lady, however manages to go months without stepping on a duck. A guard comes up to her one day with an addonis of a man.. a straight gorgeous guy... the guard leaves and the woman looks up at the good looking guy and breathlessly asks asks.."what did I do to deserve you"? The guy says.. "I don't know about you, lady, but I stepped on a duck"

Buddy

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!”

Buddy didn’t move.

Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!”  And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious.
He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, “Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try.”